Draco’s Guide for Becoming a True Slytherin
by MDQ
Summary: Draco’s easy to follow 7step guide for becoming a true Slytherin. The 7 essential steps that every real Slytherin in Hogwarts must follow.


**Draco's Guide for Becoming a True Slytherin**

_By Marik's Dark Queen_

Summary: Draco's easy to follow 7-step guide for becoming a true Slytherin. The 7 essential steps that every real Slytherin in Hogwarts must follow.

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter (who would have guessed it? right?)

Greetings lowly beings. It seems that it's your lucky day. You will learn how to behave like a proper Slytherin today. I, Draco Malfoy, will instruct you. If you are a mudblood reading this and pretending to be a pureblood or a Gryffindor using it for a strategy against Slytherins then bugger off! Only true Slytherins are allowed here!

Excellent…Now that we established that let me give you some advice…

_Step #1: Have all the qualifications._

To use this guide on how to be a "bad" Slytherin you must be at least 15-16 years old. If you are younger then others won't take you seriously and they will call you a desperate wannabe. Either that or a "miniature" Draco Malfoy, which even though is a complement for you it isn't acceptable. After you made sure that you are old enough check again that you were sorted in Slytherin. Let me remind you that Hufflepuff and evil don't mix at all! If you aren't sure where you were sorted then ask a professor to help you or try to find the Slytherin symbol on your school robes. If you are absolutely sure that you are a Slytherin then make sure that you have a correct family background. You must be a rich, arrogant pureblood. Slytherin blood is a nice bonus too. If you have all these qualifications then you may proceed to the next step.

_Step #2: Style!_

Style! The most important step! Fist, you have to make sure that you look your very best all the times. Imagine if a little Gryffindor saw you with messed up hair and dirty clothes! Simply a disaster that must never happen! So make sure that your hair looks nice, that your robes are clean and that your body is in perfect condition. Work out, have manicures, make the hairdresser your best friend and never wear second hand-clothes! (Those are for Weaslys only) Always dress like a mini-death eater, with expensive dark clothes. Just try to look like me, the Master of Style!

After your looks are fine you must work on your facial expression. Practice the legendary smirk and sneer! You must always use them! Just be careful for wrinkles in the future! Also you must always have the expression that says "something smells bad here and it's probably you" when you talk to Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs. Never forget it!

To complete the image of the "bad boy" that all Slytherins should have you must always be involved in the Dark Lord's evil plans. If you have no idea what they are then pretend that you know them! Just be careful not to say anything that could get you into Azkaban or dead into his dungeon. Also don't overdo this because he won't like it very much if you go around telling everyone his latest top-secret evil plan so you can show off! Let just say that the consequence will hurt…

Another important part of your style is the way you speak. Remember to always say smart and witty comments and jokes. Especially when you try to insult someone. Insulting others is good just be careful not to use any swear words that would make "a sailor blush". Use the word "mudblood" freely when it is appropriate. For example don't call a "mudblood" a powerful Death Eater, because he will mind it!

Long and unusual words can add an interesting effect on your speech. If you don't know their exact meaning it doesn't matter, just be sure that the person that you are talking to doesn't know their meaning either and everything will be fine! They will admire you a lot in the end!

_Step #3: Relationships with Others…_

Step #3 is very important as well. It has two parts: relations with guys and relations with girls. Let's start with relations with guys. First you have to convince the other guys that you are superior to them. To achieve that you have to first believe it yourself. So always behave like they are your personal house elves: order them around, make them do your homework, and have at least two of them as your bodyguards and have them always following you. This makes the other people think that you are someone of high importance and danger. Just make sure that they aren't the smartest people and that they won't trip and fall on you. This may make everyone call you a sandwich. Bad idea…

Now. Relationships with girls are quite different. By being a Slytherin you have the privilege of have a ton of "bad girls" around you that are more interesting in exploring your bedroom and bed sheets than your feelings and thoughts. Also note that money is a magnet for these girls. Always remember that they may seem to like you but be sure that they will like someone richer better. (For more information on this kind of girls see Pansy Parkinson). That's why even though it is a universal truth that "bad girls are more fun" you must fall in love with an honest, innocent blushing little virgin. (For more information see Ginny Weasly) But before you do that enjoy yourself by having the Pansy type of girls running after you. Have as much time as you like!

_Step #4: Study Habits_

Even if this step doesn't look that important, it is! Although success is important don't become a little nerd! (for more information see Hermione Granger) Always have other people do all the homework for you. Be sure that only the top students do your homework! You don't want to get stupid ones to do everything because you will fail everything! And if the good students are really goody-two-shoes (and most of them are) then black mail them! Never hesitate! If you have other work for you then you will have enough time to do bad deeds.

_Step #5: Do's…_

This is a list of the things that you should do:

First you must locate the hero of your school. You will either find him in the quidditch pitch playing mindlessly with his good little friends or in the library studying his little head off just to fail all his classes. I know that "the hero" is a rare species and therefore difficult to be found or located but it is necessary. (For more information see Harry Potter)

Second, after you have succeeded in the difficult task of finding "the hero creature" you must do something bad to provoke him and to show him that you aren't just an empty threat, only words but no actions! You must prove that you have some real potential for trouble making and evil deeds. (See 'How to Open the Chamber of Secrets') This is useful for your applications as a Death Eater later as well. Death Eaters will hear of your "deeds" in school and they will accept you easier in their little "family".

_Step #6: Don'ts…_

Never, and I mean never do anything of the following:

First avoid physical fights. A broken rib and a swollen black eye won't add to your style by any means! And whoever beat you up will have something to brag about and that will ruin your reputation! A wizard duel is a very good chance to show off your dark arts skills! Always use a serious dark spell that will cause some real damage! And by that I don't mean to make your opponent's nose turn red or to make him grow pimples everywhere! It's not his girlfriend that you want to scare, it's him! If you follow this step correctly then I guarantee you that you will soon be feared by everyone!

Second, avoid detentions! If you are doomed to clean all the bathrooms in school for the rest of the year then you won't have a lot of time for mischief planning and you will soon lose you reputation as a "bad boy". Sort your priorities right! Mischief planning is more important than everything! So be careful and make others do all the bad things for you!"

Third, when you do something bad don't walk around the halls announcing it to everyone! It will cause you some trouble. Also remember that you must have a "mystery aura" around you. So keep them wondering… Was it you? Or wasn't it?

_Step #7: The Happy Ending…_

Before you read this final step you must sit down. Drink something, and relax…. (Don't you dare go fix your pumpkin juice on your own! What were we talking about before? Go make someone else fix it for you and bring it to you when it is still fresh!) Relaxed? Great…

Believe it or not you must all follow this final step. After a life full of bad deeds and too much rule breaking to even remember it all, you must do the following: save someone good (preferably a girl) from a danger to show that deep down you have a good heart…Show that you have a tiny bit of kindness in you and that you aren't a completely lost case. Surprised? Yes? No? Well think of its good side! This will make many more girls feel attracted to you and your fan club will expand! This will prove the "bad boy theory" that clearly states that all the good girls always want the bad boys. What can I say? Women are strange creatures…

After you completed these 7 steps you will be a true Slytherin! You will receive a "true Slytherin" certificate when you graduate) Just remember that a Slytherin is always a Slytherin so you must continue behaving like this when you finish school…

So now my lowly creatures, go apply the things that you learned today, they can change your life forever!

The End

Thanks for reading!

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